Yet again, the Hollywood Foreign Press Corps has forced us into an emergency situation, thus I am announcing the champions regarding the 1996 Drive-In Academy Awards one week early. The belated statement this 12 months ended up being considered to be hampering peace efforts both in Bosnia together with Golan Heights, as otherwise cooperative events became grumpy while waiting for term from Grapevine.
Henceforth, without further adieu, our category that is first is.
Best Airhead Sex movie Turnaround, an erotic jungle-sex comedy about an unemployed actress whom daydreams about consuming hallucinogenic jungle juice with nekkid Indians and achieving crazy intercourse like they do in paperback novels. She gets her possibility when she actually is chased by masked gunmen into the Costa valley that is rican of white-faced, sex-crazed, flesh-worshipping, cuckoo-juice-drinking natives.
Most readily useful Director The runners-up are. Kim Henkel, Return associated with Texas Chainsaw Massacre. Jack Perez, America’s Deadliest Residence Movie. Fred Olen Ray, Attack for the 60-Foot Centerfold. Anthony Waller, Mute Witness. Howard Winters, Dead Boyz Cannot Fly. While the champion is. George Saunders, Intimate Deception and Street Angels.
Most useful Sci-Fi Flick Cyberstalker: fundamental Instinct satisfies Tron in Newt Gingrich’s worst nightmare, the tale of the nerdy, geeky cybersurfing femme fatale who really really loves her computer a great deal she’s got intercourse along with it and becomes half-woman, half-computer, then kills whomever doesn’t always have the correct respect for great computer pc software.
Most readily useful Actor The runners-up are. Danny Bonaduce, America’s Deadliest Residence movie, since the movie nerd whom falls deeply in love with the weapon moll for a killing spree that is cross-country.
Robert Davi, The Dangerous, as being a motorcycle-riding lone wolf who talks Japanese and knows the thoughts of killer ninjas, therefore the police chief brings him away from your retirement and turns him loose with a few attack tools in a cemetery filled with medication goons.
While the champion is. George Saunders, Intimate Deception, since the haunted musician surrounded by nekkid ladies who can’t realize why he gets a great deal intercourse in a single movie; and Street Angels, while the wisecracking cop who makes long speeches in regards to the fighting abilities of seafood.
Most readily useful Actress The runners-up are. Debbie Rochon, Abducted II: The Reunion, because the junk-food-eating redhead whom describes her boyfriend that is old saying, «we like pets. «
Kathy Shower, Married People, solitary Intercourse 2: For Better or more serious, while the ignored spouse packing up all her stuff, putting the children within the section wagon, and having far from the lying scumball that is no-good’s hitched to.
Therefore the champion is. Steen, Turnaround, because the oversexed blonde who daydreams about planing a trip to Costa Rica, consuming some strange jungle medications, and having intercourse to a nekkid Indian while he finger-paints all over her body–but settles for hot intercourse with goofball con man Fred Lehne.
Breast Actress The runners-up are. Paula Barbieri, The Dangerous, whilst the mystical gf whom wears a micromini and high heel shoes through the entire movie, such as the scenes where she is being chased by mobsters with automated tools.
Lissa Boyle, buddy associated with Family, while the hot-to-trot child known at the twelfth grade as a United Method Agency; and Intimate Deception, because the knockout nude model who really loves her work, saying, «we have a look at myself as a vital ingredient when you look at the art of creation. «
Theresa Morris, personal classes: Another tale, the hot small celebration woman whom simply keeps dancing away on the roof associated with fashionable Southern Beach disco, where then she strips and does the Horizontal Hustle in-front of a neon indication.
J.J. North, Attack regarding the 60-Foot Centerfold, within the name part, for saying, «Help me personally, i am huge! » and, «I’m a girl–i that is big care for myself. «
Together with champion is. Patti Davis, Playboy Celebrity Centerfold: Patti Davis, wherein she reveals her weakness for «guys in undershirts and tattered jeans that turn out to be your preference that is downfall»–a that somehow pertaining to her memories of bodysurfing along with her dad.
«Water has long been a rather healing thing in my situation, » she claims, prior to a hunk walks out from the surf and begins kissing every inches of her hula-skirted bod.
This really is prior to the sci-fi dream where she dresses such as a hooker, dials within an ideal man therefore the perfect girl on her computer, then waits in order for them to can be found in a cloud of dry ice, connect her towards the sleep, and essentially make her in to a sandwich.
Most useful Shauna that is femme-Fatale O’Brien buddy associated with Family, due to the fact walking Goodwill box who rings the doorbell 1 day, presents by herself towards the stepmom as a vintage buddy of a pal, and eventually ends up set up into the visitor home, where she’s got intercourse with everybody within the family members.
Most Breasts Playboy Celebrity Centerfold: Patti Davis: 90.
Most useful Movie The runners-up are. Attack regarding the 60-Foot Centerfold, the epic featuring J.J. North because the blonde that is ditzy takes just a couple way too many breast-enhancement medications and eventually ends up stomping around Malibu such as the Godzilla Illustrated swimsuit bazoocam review problem.
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Return regarding the Texas Chainsaw Massacre, the very first decent sequel into the best drive-in movie ever made, about two prom-night partners whom have lost down on the road, in which a creepy redneck called W.E. Roams around in a satanic wrecker, gathering systems and quoting literary works and trapping teen-age girls in gunny sacks.
And also the champion is. America’s Deadliest Residence Video, the best movie ever manufactured in Racine, Wisconsin, featuring Danny Bonaduce being a nerdy spouse in deep love with their camcorder whom ultimately ends up operating through the legislation with three convenience-store professionals who decide they kinda like having their exploits recorded on tape.
Spinal Tap satisfies Natural Born Killers. Yet again, we’d no overlap using the other prizes utilizing the term «Academy» within the name (copyright suit pending).
C. 1996 Joe Bob Briggs (written by NYT features that are special
